By Pastor Randrick Chance, PhD. – Reflecting on and Celebrating 20 Years of Marriage

I’ve known my B.M.W (Beautiful. Marvelous. Wife) for twenty-three years, and in a few days, by the grace of God, we’re celebrating twenty years of marriage. As I reflect on our journey this anniversary, I’d like to share a poignant principle that can take your current relationship from stale and stuck to satisfied and soaring.

After two decades of marriage, countless hours counseling men and women, officiating weddings, and walking alongside spouses trying to make it work—I’ve seen a pattern that’s both humbling and hopeful:

The very thing that brought you to this point in your relationship is the very thing that may be holding you back from moving forward.

Like all marriages, many Christian couples start with so much promise: the vows, the prayers, the honeymoon, the dreams, and the expectations of marital bliss. But somewhere between the first “I do” and the current “I don’t know how we got here,” things shift.

Conversations become routine. Intimacy wanes. Arguments cycle. Or worse, silence replaces effort altogether. And for some, divorce begins to feel more like mercy than tragedy.

But I want to suggest something radically different from what you’d expect of the typical pastor or counselor:

What if your marriage isn’t dying… it’s just outgrowing your original design?

What if you’re not actually failing each other… you’re being called to grow into a better version of yourselves—one your current mindset isn’t equipped to handle.

Let me put it plainly: The marriage that got you here won’t get you there.

One of my favorite quotations that has meant much in different areas of my life is from futurist and visionary Buckminster Fuller, who once said:

“You never change things by fighting the existing reality. To change something, build a new model that makes the existing model obsolete.”

That hits home in marriages, too. Let’s be real: many couples are frantically patching holes in a sinking ship—when what they need is to build a new vessel altogether.

Listen to what the Spirit is saying if you have an ear to hear.

If you have eyes to see, look at what the Spirit is showing you.

You see, you can’t create a vibrant, life-giving marriage by clinging to roles, habits, and systems from the past that no longer align with your present purpose. The new reality is that you’ve both changed. Life has changed.

And your relationship needs a new structure to thrive in this new season. To match the new yous or the new you that beckons the new reality you’re desiring.

This doesn’t mean you throw away everything – just what’s no longer serving you for where you are and where you’re going. As Dr. Benjamin Hardy puts it,

“There is extreme value in utilizing principles and policies that encourage innovation and transformation... The problem arises when someone gets stuck with a specific policy or pathway, and that then becomes their goal.”

Similar to how many churches today are suffering from inattentional blindness – dying, and yet the guardians at the gate keep wanting to have church the same old ways we’ve had it for decades on end – regardless of the fact they’re hemorrhaging monthly, if not weekly and daily.

You must wake up to what’s right before you in your marriage – don’t ignore the obvious. Marriage isn’t about returning to the past—it’s about renewing your commitment with fresh intention and updated insight.

God uses marriage to make us more like Christ—but only if we’re willing to submit to the growth process. That includes emotional growth, relational intelligence, spiritual maturity, and renewed vision.

If someone is not a millionaire and desires to be one, they cannot expect to simply hope of becoming one. They should not expect the same money habits they’re currently using to get them there.

Suppose you want a rock-solid physique and are currently out of shape. It will require something different of you to sculpt that new dream body.

If you want a next-level marriage, it requires a next-level you – both of you! Because what got you here won’t get you there!

The good news? You don’t have to settle for stale and stuck because God never intended your marriage to stagnate. Scripture says, “We are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as by the Spirit of the Lord” (2 Corinthians 3:18). That includes your marriage.

God wants to take you from the glory of “I do” to the glory of “I still do”—and beyond. But the path between those two is paved with intentional change, courageous faith, and surrendered transformation.

Get a new revelation and divine download from the heavenly Match-maker for a customized blueprint to take you both from glory to glory. It’s your birthright to have an abundant marriage as a child of God!

As Mrs. Toy and Mr. Shawn Banks, The World’s Most Satisfied Couple, declare, “The only kind of wife to be is a satisfied wife.” That’s a new programming for you! That’s walking in your divine calling and disavowing the old tapes playing in your outdated marital blueprint.

It’s time for an upgrade! Try God’s blueprint and watch your union move from stale and stuck to satisfied and soaring.

As my wife and I celebrate twenty years of marriage. I can tell you—we’ve seen many seasons: seasons of bliss, seasons of prosperity, seasons of joy and peace, seasons of lack, barrenness, sleepless nights, and drifting. Frankly, sometimes, we may have felt like the magic was gone. Like we were speaking different languages.

It took the first seven years of my marriage for me to realize I couldn’t change my wife. We began a good ritual at that time – renewing our vows every seven years.

In the seventh year of our marriage, I felt like I had just graduated High School. In our fourteenth year of marriage, I felt like I’d gotten an associate’s degree in love and marriage. As we approach the twenty-first year, our upcoming third wedding vow renewal, I should have a Bachelor’s degree in marriage – you see where I’m going?

At each level of marriage and personal growth, we have to choose to grow also. I’m twenty years older than when I first got married, and so is my wife. We cannot expect to use the same old knowledge, systems, and thinking we used to use twenty or even ten years ago!

We must upgrade ourselves to get to that next round on the marital ladder of joy and bliss.

So, what do you do in those seasons when you feel like you’re feeling like you’ve lost that spice in your marriage or it’s just like living in hell?

Don’t “fix” those seasons by tweaking the old. Transcended them by building something new.

Stop trying to get back to how it was. And start focusing on who you need to become, for something better.

Choose letting go in other to level up. And, like me, you’ll realize that letting go isn’t losing—it’s leveling up! 

That’s the Invitation in front of you my friend. Not to rekindle a flame from the past but to ignite a new and better vision for your future.

So stop trying to fix the old marriage. It served you well—but its time is up.

Instead, step into a new model of love and marriage. One forged in grace and growth and guided by the Holy Spirit.

Because what got you here won’t get you there.

But with God’s loving mercy and help, you can go farther than you ever dreamed.